Midway Through Ghost Month

It's been almost 3 weeks since I stopped pumping. While I enjoy the complete and long-awaited freedom it gives, I grieve over 2 things - that I am no longer capable of sharing the nutrients with dear Haley, and that I'm now officially back to my pre-teen bust size. (I'm not sure which one makes me sadder. I really don't remember being this flat... But THIS is reality. And I know I shouldn't be depressed because I'm 31 weeks away from THE DREAM.)

We only have a few frozen milk left. I bought a can of Promil 2 weeks ago, but it has been sitting here unopened. I know that no matter how much I try to delay it, the stored milk will surely deplete, and I would really have to feed her formula. But I don't know why, it's just too hard for me to face it and accept. Haley is only 14 months. That's still 10 long months away from the recommended "breast milk is good for babies up to 2 years". :( I just want the best for her.

Speaking of Haley, she's been nursing a cold for almost a week now (recently turned into cough as well), thanks to the yaya who passed the virus. I really make an effort to let go of the little things because I want the yaya to be happy with her job. (It's Haley who's at stake, especially if no one's around watching.) But when I found that she hasn't been taking her vitamin Cs just because she dislikes swallowing tablets, I sarcastically said "ayaw mo ng tabletas, eh anong gusto mo, syrup?? ano ka, baby??" And there was an obvious trembling in her voice when she uttered a soft reply.

Anyway, there are lots of baby news going around. A friend just gave birth. An aunt found she's having a boy. A niece is celebrating her first birthday. A friend suddenly revealed to me that she now has a baby. (I'm surprised at how 9 months is short enough to hide such a thing!) Another friend shared she wanted to conceive. I think any business will be a hit as long as it's related to babies!

The new venture that's keeping me busy these days is going well (hopefully stays that way, or be better in the future). Thanks to the incredible support from Martian and my family. I can't wait for ghost month to be over. I have lots of events to look forward to - exhibiting at the Megatrade Hall, reunion with ex-officemates, the dice games, Martian's birthday, and hopefully a trip abroad soon! Fast forward please.

Two Pink Lines

... mean I'm pregnant!

It's confirmed. I took 2 pregnancy tests, 2 days apart. I saw my OB who did a physical exam. I had a trans v ultrasound. It's confirmed. I'm carrying a 6-week old embryo.

I thank God for being so good to me. For granting my prayers. For the unconditional love. I'm still trying to figure out why I deserve all of this.

I know how difficult it is for some couples who try and try for so long and yet nothing. And here I am, with no monthly period for almost 2 years now, no interest in the act (doing it once or twice a month is already a very selfless act of martyrdom I had to endure - not my fault, blame it on sore nipples, backaches, lack of sleep, and the hormonal imbalance due to breastfeeding - I'd rather rest while Haley's asleep!), yet I'm blessed with a new fetus.

People consider breastfeeding as natural birth control. But let me tell you that it's just a myth (so be careful if you're not planning to have a second baby too soon). Breastfeeding can only be a reliable birth control when these 3 things also hold true:
(1) your monthly period hasn't resumed
(2) your baby is below 6 months of age
(3) you're giving pure breastmilk to your baby, no substituting or mixing with formula

For those who are trying to conceive (again), here are some tips I've learned first-hand from experience:
(1) decrease your breastmilk production by feeding your baby less of your breastmilk and more of formula, abruptly, not gradually (the drastic change would make your ovulation cycle return to normal vs gradually doing it)
(2) wean your older baby before you get pregnant because once you're preggo you can't take any medication to help you with the s.u.p.e.r. pain and swelling of your poor breasts - I learned this the hard way
(3) trade breastfeeding off with the return of your cycle and interest in sex

But it's really a difficult choice, because that's your first-born you're sacrificing. Personally I would want to continue breastfeeding while pregnant. But my OB asked me to stop immediately, because:
(1) the uterus (womb!) contracts whenever we pump
(2) the nutrients for the new baby will be divided
(3) I'm underweight; I had to take care not just of the new baby but of myself as well

I'm currently feeding Haley the frozen milk I've stored, and once this stock is depleted, I will have to reluctantly feed her formula. I'm not impressed even with the more expensive brands like Promil or S26, because I'm paranoid of the contaminants of formula milk. These companies don't really care what these babies take, all they care about is making money. And I know I can give Haley the best, in my breasts, but I also need to "get over" it because she's more than 1 year old and I have a new baby to think of, that's why I feel so torn!!!

Family planning is so complicated! Even if everything goes according to your plan!

I'm Back!

I know I've been missing in action for 4 months! It's such a long time, I had to reread my last post to figure out how / where to start this one. Well, if we do the math, Haley is 13 months old now - gums showing 6 cute teeth, legs learning to walk without support, lips starting to babble up to 12 syllables, diet consisting of anything and everything, diaper size moving to XL (finally!), schedule including weekly play school, and her taste showing preference to certain types of food, cartoon character, or people.

Haley's first birthday was a blast (well, at least for me, it was). I know I can't please everybody, but I got everything "I" wanted (except for the inflatables which cost P35,000!). It's a children's party so I had to make sure that the "children" have a good time. I did not mind the oldies who were not happy with the spaghetti, barbeque, pizza, and the other kiddie snacks and would rather have hot Chinese soup at merienda time. Hearing kids say that Haley's party is the best they've attended so far, is music to my ears.

And the best news of all is, we broke even. (Actually earned from it if we count the gifts and gift checks. And the duplicate gifts that we exchanged for other items and gift checks.) I was kidding Martian that it makes good business so we should plan one every year! :)

Moving on to yours truly, while I am still lactating, my breastmilk supply has decreased a great deal. If at my peak I could produce around 72 oz per day, now I'm down to 33. So while it means more flexibility in my sched because I can already endure 8-10 hours worth of engorgement (versus the need to pump every 3 hours before), it also means a slight shrink in cup size (because obviously some milk glands have already dried out).

Lately, I have also been addicted to kitchen recipes, jewelry, and infant/toddler section at the malls (even in my online shopping). OMG I am your typical housewife!

A lot of people have been asking me if we're planning to have another baby. The answer is yes. While doctors recommend at least 2 years for those who have undergone C-section, I want my children to be spaced only 2 years apart. (So that they will practically be in the same generation, share things, pass on school materials, hand down clothes, explore the world together, be each other's companion, all that drama.) Talk about family planning!

Milk Talk

After throwing away tons, donating a lot, sharing some more with my sis-in-law, and keeping a bunch in my mom-in-law's freezer, there's still not enough space for me to store Haley's milk. Buying a deep freezer specifically for this purpose sounds like a bright idea, but Haley is 9months old now and I'm planning to feed her breastmilk only until she turns 1. So that leaves the special freezer useful for only 3months max; I'm not sure if it's worth it.

Obviously, I want what's best for Haley. So I've been reading about when it's best to stop breastfeeding. Unfortunately, there isn't any straight answer because it's supposed to be personal, or between mother and baby only. Currently, Haley isn't showing any signs so I'm thinking it's all upto me.

I know I shouldn't complain because being a full-time mom, I only have the baby's needs to worry about. I sometimes just can't bear the feeling of being reduced into nothing but a second-hand uterus and a pair of overused breastmilk factory. There's no such thing as free lunch. The best antibodies and best nutrients for Haley's best health is traded off with my lack of sleep and lack of social life because of the constant need to express milk. I sure am very happy with the fruit of my sacrifices, seeing Haley like this. But how far should I go?

I don't take calcium supplements. The best I can do is try to drink milk everyday. My back hurts all the time, I'm not sure if it's because of the heavy load I carry (be it Haley herself, or my boobs), or a possible medical condition that I should be worried about (I have yet to find out). Thankfully I have Martian to massage my whole back with hard pressure whenever I ask him to.

I hope that I'm making the right decision to stop lactating when she reaches 1year old. For me this is the perfect equilibrium (hahaha) for the common good. I just pray that when I start nursing myself back to the pinnacle of health (my aunt who's a doctor actually suggested that I check for thyroid problem because I'm too thin in her opinion), Haley will cooperate and continue to be the good girl that she is. Because the moment she gets sick or hospitalized, I will surely punch holes in my breasts and force the milk out.

I salute the moms who choose to breastfeed until the child is 2 years old. Especially those who directly feed their babies! 2 years is such a long time. You can get a masteral degree, or finish a vocational course, or get promoted at work, or get to know your S.O. very well before tying the knot. But in these martyr moms' case, they only get maximum malnutrition, minimum social life, and cracked nipples (which may never return to original state). You rock!

A Mom's Day Off

Who'd think that a stay-at-home bum, er mum, like me would look forward to a so-called rest day? Not so long ago I would always pick non-coding days as my favorite days of the week because it means more freedom, mobility, and convenience at my service. But lately, I secretly long for car-ban days because it provides a ready excuse for me to stay home, answer my emails, watch DVDs, play with Haley, experiment in the kitchen, just bum around and put all errands aside. To people who think that housevives have a lot of time in their hands, eff you. :)

We are stressed too! I've only been a mom for 8 months, but my friends actually say I looked 5 years older. Ouch. Who cares if I've gone so many cup sizes bigger. Who cares if guards (and even salesladies!) throw a 2-second glance at my cleavage before their lips could give me a helpful answer. I'm neither flattered nor offended. I've let complete strangers see me bare, wash me, and insert things inside of me. I've pooped on a bed pan. The plunging neckline is the least of my concern.

There are certainly other things that keep me busy, like planning the next menu, shopping for groceries, worrying about Haley's allergies, making sure there's enough milk for her and her cousin, watching out for my helpers, paying the bills on time, etc etc. But Haley takes all the stress away when she says mama. Before she would only say mama when she's in pain or frustrated. Almost like she is clueless of what mama really means. But now she says mama when she sees me, as if calling out for me, or greeting me hello. I'm pretty sure she's aware and familiar of the word now.

Anyway, I've recently gone to the theaters! The first time since Haley came. (Not counting the Body of Lies I watched as a favor to my dad-in-law because I slept through half of it.) This time the movies were by choice. Confessions of a Shopaholic because I'm a self-declared Sophie Kinsella fan, and The Reader because I was intrigued by Kate Winslet's best supporting actress award. Martian and I are watching The Watchmen this week. And watching the trailers make me want to add Race to Witch Mountain, Hannah Montana the Movie, and The Proposal to my list. For someone who did not join the bandwagon on Twilight, The Mummy, and Star Wars, I'd say I'm back on track.

I've also been following another series - Privileged. (That's in addition to GG, OTH, and HIMYM.) Thanks to Martian's downloads and a little "me" time. It's refreshing. As refreshing as finding out our baby sibs (Martian's and mine) have their own significant others. Time really goes swoosh. I dread the day Haley would come to me and sheepishly say Mom I like this guy. Shall I put her through home-school instead? Haha.

Ok this entry has taken a lot of my time off. Gotta go! :)

Upgrade

HALEY HAS GRADUATED FROM CRIB TO TODDLER BED!!!

I know it's too early to call her or even treat her like a toddler. I'm just quite happy with our latest purchase. You see, Haley has been sleeping in between us for the past several months. The pink crib was just too small for her. It's very suitable for newborns but considering Haley's SIZE... So we only got to use it when changing her nappies. And now that my new nephew is coming very soon, it's time to pass this crib to my sis-in-law, so she can repaint it if she wants. (FYI this crib was originally my mother-in-law's, a.k.a. the 20-peso crib, in color white, which is also being passed on to the whole clan, Martian and Haley included, like an heirloom.)

I think Haley likes her new bed. But Martian loves it more. ;)

Haley's First ID

She might not look the same in the years to come, but she would have to stick to this thing (to say "endure" is just too harsh...) for the next 5 years. Time flies. She's got passport and savings, soon enough she won't be needing me anymore. How pessimistic, hahaha!